böllr

april jazz challenge

2008-04-03T20:48:00.004+01:00

As a general rule i am not a fan of radio; the ratio of 57 minutes of rubbish to maybe 3 minutes of good does nothing to entice me and i'm quite content to let my friends sift through the chaff and bring me the tasty wheat. Even though i don't deserve it. However, since choosing a "going to sleep" album became such a chore, i now opt for either complete silence or 30 minutes of radio 2 (usually accompanied with a quick prayer that Janice Long will stay off the air) to help me off to sleep.

Anyway, last night i was treated to a jazz documentary. Usually, when jazz comes on i think "that's nice, i really should listen to some jazz sometime" and then something catches my attention (a spot of light, etc) and i forget. My problem with jazz is that i know nothing about it, obviously it's a wide area and i don't just want to stroll into Fopp and scoop up a load of CDs that i'll hate.

So, last night, i heard a piece i liked and made a note of it, at least then i'd have somewhere to start, find an album with the piece on, then find similar stuff. Much like i did with Oasis -> Wonderwall -> What's the Story -> Britpop. Except faster, and with goatees.

Therefore, my challenge for the month is to listen to NO contemporary music, try and identify some jazz albums i will definitely like and buy them, and if there's time try and do the same thing with classical music (of which i am slightly less ignorant). I'm not going to name names, cause right now i only know the most mainstream exponents and that would make me sound like someone who doesn't know much about something.

The trickiest part of this challenge is that i have 2 CDs arriving in the next week - 'Panchpuran' by Bill Jones and 'April' by Sun Kil Moon.

cupboard love

2008-04-01T09:47:00.003+01:00

Going to have to be a quick one. Today, as you may be aware, is April Fool's day, and after a decade of inaction i decided to actually make an effort this year.

My scheming began in January when i was dossing in Hobbycraft and hit upon an idea. Basically i would buy a bag of stick-on eyes and attach them to inanimate objects, namely my housemate's food in our fridge.

Having left it perilously close to procure the eyes i was left with a very tight schedule this morning - John Lewis opens at 9am, my driving lesson is at 10am, between that i had to locate and purchase the eyes, walk home, do the deed, photograph and get out of my house before my housemate wakes up.

The most fun part was loitering outside John Lewis at 8.55am. Anyway, because many of the things in the fridge are too colourful and cluttered i decided to attack the cupboards as well. I am particularly keen on the shady-looking jar of Lloyd Grossman's Thai Green Curry Sauce, lurking at the back.

So, yes, it's 9.56am now and providing the glue holds i should be home and dry. Better run, but first check out this slightly eerie fridge shot. Never has houmous looked so threatening.

taxi-dumb-me

2008-03-31T12:46:00.000+01:00

Sneinton. It's never fun to be in Sneinton, particularly at night, alone, with hundreds of pounds worth of musical equipment, but this was the position i found myself in last week. As i was hurriedly lugging amps out of sight, my first mind was harking back to the last time i was in this position. My second mind was swimming with tales of people getting robbed at gunpoint but i normally manage to suppress these thoughts.

Band 0 had a gig a little while back, and i somehow found myself in the uneviable position of collecting our equipment in a taxi. Sneinton is only a little less scary during the day and i felt rather a lot like The Frustrated Farmer; he had a chicken and a fox, i had amps and gun-wielding toerags. But i was no less frustrated.

With taxi-time approaching, my team banging on the door, yelling "get out!", while Richard O'Brian talked nonsense, i decided to first move everything from room to staircase, then from top to bottom of stairs, and finally to the "porch". Porch makes it sound like the warm, welcoming hallway of a house, rather than the ugly, urine-soaked entrance of a dank building. With one of the double doors closed, i could attempt to veil our equipment from beady thieving eyes.

I was sweaty but pleased when the taxi turned up and in no time i was at the venue; i unloaded everything and paid my guy. Casually casting my eye over the mountain of stuff, i realised something was missing; my guitars. The taxi was just pulling away so i instinctively chased it, stopping after only a few steps when it hit me that i couldn't remember even loading them into the taxi. Quickly assessing the situation, i came to the horrifying conclusion that i had in fact left them behind, in the street, in the dodgiest part of town.

Tethered to a pile of equipment in a venue car park, i felt very helpless. Fortunately one of my bandmates was inside so i tried to convey the magnitude of my foolishness over the phone; as soon as he was outside i explained just a little more and began sprinting back towards Sneinton.

I sprint for two reasons - public transport and retreiving misplaced possessions.

I was about a quarter of the way there, decided that i could not sustain this ridiculous pace and headed to the nearest taxi. I breathlessly barked 'are you free?' and for a second he hesitated. It may have been that he had another job approaching, or that he thought in my frenzied state i might navigate us to a remote point and stab him. Either way, he could see the desperation in my eyes and coolly replied 'is it an emergency, yeah?'

As i jumped in i told him to drive to Sneinton and i would direct him. His eyes lit up when i told him my sorry predicament, 'oh man! i love guitars!' I had actually found a taxi driver who was so excited by the prospect of rescuing guitars he was prepared to mow down anyone in our path; the sight of terrified pedestrians diving for cover, combined with his childlike optimism and enthusiasm, almost managed to quell the sick feeling in my stomach.

I held my breath as we rounded the corner and pulled up to the practice room doors - it was almost too dark to see and i could scarcely believe it but my guitars, clearly visible to anyone passing, were still hiding, partially obscured, behind the door.

All the way back to the venue, my host babbled excitedly about guitars and gave me stark warnings about repeating my error, how people only get one more chance in these matters and adding that he wouldn't think twice about stealing them if he had the chance. In response i proferred advice about good beginner guitars and taking lessons; advice which went in one ear and out the other but i was happy to give it nonetheless.

Despite having paid through through the nose for my first journey (i must add that the first guy, a middle-aged Asian man with a penchant for 70's disco music, was pretty entertaining too) i was more than happy to tip my guy rather generously. After all, without his boundless energy and reckless disregard for the Highway Code, i could've lost £500 worth of stuff, not to mention the sentimental value.

I did not feel it was necessary to turn the guitar the right way up for this memento.

erroneous cd - realtime review

2008-03-27T19:22:00.002Z

Track 1, Same Old Road begins with some Pink Floyd-esque choir voice keyboards and guitar before careering into a weird country/80's MOR mix. The drums are definitely fake, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the album. The guy doesn't have a very strong voice, it might be endearing in the right context, but not this one. For some reason, the guitar solo just panned right to left. It fades out at a merciful 4 minutes. Unsurprisingly Windows Media Player hasn't picked up on it.
Track 2 continues the onslaught with hammond organ, oh, and wait, the cowbell has just kicked in. The drums are sounding even more fake on this one. He's not going mad with vocal cliches just yet, just had "going for gold" though. The drums are ridiculous. He's rocking a Brian May tone on this one, emphasised by the three-part harmony licks. This guitar solo panning left and right too, more rapidly, but it seems to be a favourite trick of Bill. By the way, it's called "Where is the love?". Searching for it on media player's album search function...
Track 3 is more of a ballad, he's layering sickly piano over keyboard strings - i'm not talking about realistic keyboard strings, i'm talking about the voice setting you had on that keyboard you had when you were 10. The piano is also fake, but not quite as blatant. It seems Adrian Wagner is to blame for the mixing and (possibly) the idea to smother this with every keyboard sound going. Media player has failed to find the cd. This ballad ("Private World of Dreams" btw) has decided to forego the MIDI drums but we are treated to an oboe solo. Not real of course; i'm beginning to wonder if his voice is real. I've got to skip this now before i go insane - onto "Share this Road". Bill seems to have a thing about roads.
This has what i would call 'church piano' at the start - that's slightly chorused and very bright piano. Bill implores us to "spend some time with me" - i will gladly will as long as he doesn't bring any instruments with him.
Oh my word! Track 5 starts with very sexy 80's drums and... SOUNDBITES OF A WOMAN MAKING 'WOMAN NOISES' AND SAYING "MORE!" AND "THAT'S IT!" Oh, okay, it's about a prostitute called Rosie. Still, this is an inexplicable departure from the rest of the album and i'm glad it's over.
This is more like it, track 6, "No Big Deal" goes back to 80's guitars, hammond organs, weird panning and, yes, the cowbell! We're at the mid-pont of the album so i guess i should explain it. A while ago i heard a CD by a female folk singer called Bill Jones, which i liked a lot, occasionally i trawl ebay for the album i heard but after losing out to a sniper i decided to try one of her other albums. At any one time there appear to be 3 or 4 different albums by said folk singer - one was stuck on 50p so i just whacked a bid on it.
Track 7 is the least offensive so far, it's almost Beatles-y, almost. His guitar lines actually work in this one. Anyway, so i won the album "From Life's Diary - Volume 1" by Bill Jones and eagerly awaited its arrival. On opening the envelope i quickly realised something was wrong. Firstly, it had a picture of a 50 year old guy on the front, secondly, it was from 1990, a good 10 years before any albums by the Bill Jones i knew.
Track 8 must be the 'rocky' number. Things are panning round my head like crazy; either that or i'm going mad. This one is called "Angel with Black Wings" and is Bill's bitter break-up song; that's not to say he doesn't attack it with trademark limp-wristedness. The thought of watching him sing this makes me a bit nauseous.
More cowbell and we're into Track 9 - "Sharing your stuff". This is a more laid-back bluesy number. And he's using playing card metaphor; come on Bill, i thought you were better than this. He's also ripped off wholesale the 'Money for Nothing' riff, in fact, i'd go as far as to say he loves Dire Straits. This is another of Bill's breakup songs; it's beginning to sound like this album was a direct result of a messy divorce, and was probably heard by a total of 10 people. Another wildly-panning guitar solo.
Track 10 is 7 minutes long :( I'm wondering how exactly Bill is going to fill this time - so far it's more fake piano and synth swells. Oh, and a keyboard flute solo; he's really working the woodwind section. 2 minutes in and nothing much has happened. Okay, he's rocking the jazz chords now - i can dig that - oh wait, we're back into Pink Floyd-ian whimsy. No drums thus far. I doubt anything in the next 3 minutes will be much of a revelation. Just noticed the last song is over 6 minutes as well! Anyway yes, it didn't take me long after opening this to discover i had made a grave error; this was not my obscure female folk singer, it was in fact an aging rocker. What are the chances? Track 10 is taking far too long to fade out.
Right, 11. Another bluesy number and he's cracked out the harmonica. Actually he has mad skills on the old blues harp. Again, this song might be okay if he actually had any balls - he should be singing introspective emo-folk really.
Okay, last song, bear with me, you're doing really well. This one's called "After the Storm" and starts, rather predictably, with more brooding, but not really brooding, synth noises. If i'd been producing this, it would've been way more stripped down and organic; it would've made a semi-decent country album, instead of the soft-rock/MOR/prog disaster it actually is. The fake drums are back, as long as they remain understated Bill might just get away with it. So yeah, i reckoned i would make the most of a bad situation and review this album in real-time. After this, i will decide the best course of action for it - i've got to say, so far the bin looks like the ONLY option. Another Dave Gilmour solo, just waiting for it to start moving around between my headphones... okay, so it's staying dead centre for the time being, but he's fluffing notes all over the shop. Not that i care about that, but i think with something this sterile sounding, a little ducking of fluffed notes wouldn't go amiss. A bit of vocal gymnastics from Bill, something approaching character! He really has saved the best till last. And we're done.
Well, i don't know about you, but i really feel like Bill has taken me on a journey, through the valleys of heartache and despair, over dewy hills, up and down seedy midnight streets and out the other side - a new morning and a triumphant future.

10/10

POTBOSH #1

2008-03-21T12:35:00.004Z

Ten years on from 'You get what you give' and the royalty cheques have long since dried up for Gregg Alexander, who finds himself back in Spondon.

Gregg on the Rainbow 4, heading home after a day's work

I asked if he still has something against Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson, to which he replied, "who?"

Gregg in his heyday, A.K.A 1999

rubbish blog idea #8

2008-03-17T11:38:00.005Z

"If i can get in here, so can a thief!"

Another heavily bus-influenced idea i'm afraid. I was late the other morning and some lady was taking forever to get a ticket; as there are only so many things you can discuss with the driver as you're boarding a bus that is already 20 minutes late, i had to conclude that she was simply a timewasting attention-starved gaylord.

She then walked down the aisle with a triumphant grin on her face and plonked herself in the seat in front of me. At this point my thoughts turned to revenge.

Now, like a lot of people, she had a hood on her jacket (she actually had a hood on the garment underneath too but i won't go into that) and my immediate thought was to leave a note in her hood, hoping she'd find it later, something along the lines of:

"To whom it may concern, today you took longer getting on a bus than any person in the history of the world, thanks for making me another five minutes late, i'm sure Betty and Christine don't mind if you're a little late to meet up and talk about stockings but some of us have jobs to go to.
Big love,
Tom x x"

Or whatever. I opted against it because i thought it would be a tad harsh, but thought the basic idea of leaving cryptic notes in people's outer garments would be worth exploring.

I think the standard note would be "If i can get in here, so can a thief!", with maybe a reference to 1 Samuel 24? But there'd be more obscure ones too.

I guess there are a few problems. First off, i wouldn't feel like doing it to old people cause they are more likely to be seriously freaked out by it; i just wouldn't be able to enjoy it. But then younger people, with their quicker reactions and heightened awareness are more likely to catch me in the act - which doesn't even bear thinking about. And there's still the issue that it might be more scary than baffling; baffling = good, scary = not so good, appearing on Crimewatch after they check the cctv on the bus to identify the stalker = worse still.

Also, on a purely practical note, the payoff of these acts will be the reaction of the victims, which i'll (hopefully) never see. Rubbish, but i might do it anyway, probably just to people who play Basshunter through their phone speakers?

rubbish blog idea #7

2008-03-14T13:12:00.003Z

Okay, what about "The Textdropping Blog"? According to google, there is no such word so i'm claiming it now - it is the art of peering over commuters' shoulders to read their text messages.

Actually, before i start (because this idea *really* isn't going to have any legs anyway) i discovered a couple of things whilst researching the phenomenom.

1. The origin of the word 'Eavesdropping'

Right, seeing as i can't explain the eavesdrip any better than the wiki description you should go read that first. It's basically a boundary around one's house.

An eavesdropper is then defined as one 'who skulked in the Eavesdrip of another's home' - which is, of course, awesome, and if i ever catch any of you skulking around the eavesdrip of my house i'm going to go Anglo-Saxon on your ass. Fairly warned, be thee, says i.

2. A Philippino version of me

Whilst trawling google so see if anyone else was as nosy as me, i found this journal entry. Not only does he appear to be a serial textdropper, he's also continually questioning his direction in life (although to be fair, that could be anyone).

I like the two texts he dropped. The first is this outstanding joke:

"San Makikita ang pinaka malaking Bra? - edi sa may pinaka malaking Boobs"

ha ha, boobs.

The second text he talks about is some guy telling his mom about his new job and its modest starting salary. Not funny in itself but i love this comment from one of his readers:

"9800 [pesos] is fine.. u start from scratch then get a higher pay in the future...."

Of course! It's so simple! So, after this wake-up call i've decided to shelve my plans to find a better job and more money, instead i'll stay where i am and simply get a higher pay in the future. No flies on me.

...

Anyway, so i recorded my first textdrop on the way home on tuesday - i saw some guy get his phone out and had mine at the ready to copy whatever philosophical pearl of wisdom was coming my way (i only hoped that the person behind me was also textdropping; this is what's known as "The Infinite Textdrop" or "Chinese Textwhispdrops" - a stupid idea is nearly always followed by an equally bad portmanteau).

Alas, my guy let me down big time with this mindblowing piece of literature:

"U have missed the bus mate"

No mystery, no intrigue, no wondering how deep the rabbit hole goes; and the fact it took his chubby fingers 5 minutes to compose this ode to tardy friends just served to add insult to injury.

My heart sank.

LOLworth cove

2008-03-10T12:39:00.008Z

I was going to wait until i had something exciting to write, but frankly if i worked on that principle you might never get an update again.

Firstly, i'm feeling the strain at work. This is largely due to the End of the Financial Year™ - which is like an office-based version of Brewster's Millions. Also, i have a nemesis over in finance - to put it in context, he's Gordon Ramsay and i'm one of his chefs and i keep trying to make some ravioli but Gordon keeps sending me back to do it again and again and again and he's swearing and i'm red-faced and teary. Now replace Gordon Ramsay with this guy

and replace ravioli with invoices and you get the idea.

Which reminds me, I might just have been half-asleep, but i'm sure i heard a collabaration between Kanye West, Pharrel Williams and Lupe Fiasco on some "street" radio show last night, rapping over Thom Yorke's 'Eraser'. Of course, i could answer this in about 3 seconds but then the 'half-asleep' sentence would be redundant and i'd just be telling you about a song. Or not...? Oooooh.

I cut my gum last thursday cleaning my teeth, i've no idea how, i mean, if i was in the bathroom and someone attacked me, i wouldn't immediately reach for the toothbrush to defend myself. I'd probably grab a razor... and give them a comfortable shave, without irritation. Or some nail clippers, and hope they stood still long enough for me to cover them in tiny, slightly curved little cuts. In short, i hope i never get attacked in the bathroom.

Anyway, my cut turned into an ulcer. I didn't even know that could happen! In my experience, mouth ulcers are caused by sweets until you're 14, and stress thereafter. And i do love the taste of Bonjella but i could just as easily get that from aniseed balls and i wouldn't have to walk around in a foul mood all day.

Finally, do you ever get the feeling that every idea you have is already done, photographed, and online?

Dammit.

no smoking p_eas_

2008-03-09T20:52:00.003Z

DRAW NUMBERS FOR FA CUP SEMI-FINALS:

1 Cardiff City
2 Portsmouth
3 West Brom
4 Barnsley

...

Wilco Tango Foxtrot!

In other news the bathroom still isn't clean, both Mr and Mrs Tom are officially in love with Michael Cera, i found four Curly Wurlys behind my bed, band 0 played its official "last show evaaah", i discovered 'De Cecco' pasta.

any fuel...?

2008-03-05T21:00:00.004Z

Remember a few weeks back i said this:

"Don't be surprised if the next post is me moaning about how EVERYTHING fell through and muttering something about home recording and exotic tunings (again)."

Well, a little later than predicted, but things are kindof collapsing.

Barring a big change of heart(s) Band 1 is finished. Band 0 will not extend past the one-off gig. Band 4 was never looking likely, mainly for financial reasons. Band 3 is looking strong, but doesn't involve yours truly. All my musical hopes rest on Band 2. And riding the coat-tails of Band 3.

There, a whole paragraph that essentially says nothing about anything but leaves you feeling vaguely disappointed. Man, enough about bands for the time being; unless anything progresses to a gig, or even just a myspace, i'll spare you.

In fact, improvements i intend to make to this blog in coming weeks -

1. More photos
2. More excel spreadsheets
3. Retrospectively going back and changing all the uppercase 'I's to lowercase
4. More rubbish blog ideas
5. More links? i dunno though, i don't want to be a link-whore, or offend anyone
6. A proper domain name - imagine it... "bollr.org" "bollr.cz" "bollr.sch.uk"
7. I might reverse the colours to make it white writing on black; just so if you've been reading it for a while, then suddenly look at a white wall, you'll see the face of Christ
8. "what i trod in today" - a new daily feature

I dunno, essentially i'm just putting off cleaning the bathroom

x x

precocious metals

2008-03-04T19:31:00.002Z

or 'How i relearned to love my CD collection'.

A long time ago i made an excel spreadsheet of all my albums; featuring heavyweights such as Be Here Now by Oasis, and having separate columns for album length and 'place of purchase', it was quite a sight to behold.

Anyway, my music taste may have moved forward (slightly) but my obsession with excel spreadsheets remains as unnerving as ever, so i had another go. By now, there is no chance of me remembering where I got most of my cds, and seeing as I am simply baffled by the fact i even had an album length column, both of these could go.

They were replaced with the more useful 'album release date' and 'album year' columns. I haven't really found a use for release dates yet, beyond finding the "average date of release" - 30 July 1999.

According to wikipedia, absolutely NOTHING happened on 30 July 1999.

Album year is much more useful as it eventually led to this beautiful graph

There is a bigger version here.

No... here.

The 80's is represented by the Smiths and REM. Late 90's indie is well-stocked before the early 00's surge and the inexplicable drought of 2004. The simultaneous events of my ensuing poverty and music becoming RUBBISH lead to a drop off after 2005.

The exercise gave me a renewed appreciation for my modest collection and the rediscovery of one or two gems. It also made me realise once and for all that Deserter's Songs by Mercury Rev is hella crap, and Mono's remix album is meandering, unlistenable pointlessness which doesn't even show up on Last Fm!

It also prompted me to try and replace my lost Ben Folds Five debut album; found one on ebay with this very informative description:

"fantastic sound/ bargained c.d/ 2nd clas"

...on this occasion, i think i'll pass.

rubbish blog idea #6

2008-02-24T21:55:00.003Z

Oh man, the fitness blog. Admit it, we've all thought about it; making a promise to yourself to get into shape and share your journey with the blogosphere.

My objective is to lose my excess flab and get "fit" - ergo, get to the point where i can run for a bus and recover in under 2 hours. The blogs would have been DAILY and you would've got little titbits about my adventures "with the road", as well as up-to-the-minute stats about distance and timing.

The tagline at the top would read "To get the most out of the road you have to love her, but you also have to hate her", or something equally awful, and there'd be a picture of my well-worn trainers.

Trouble is, I'm crap. I did monday and tuesday mornings (5am!!!) and then my legs wouldn't work for wednesday and thursday, then i went to bed too late and couldn't get up on friday either. Then it was the weekend; there's no way i'm getting up at 5am on a weekend and there's no way I'm going jogging in the hours when people might see me.

Also, I look like a bellend. I haven't got a tracksuit top so i wear a jumper, and cause my hair is bad before showering I wear a beany hat - i basically look like an extreme sports janitor.

Tell you what, I'll try again this week and if i make it to three days in a row i'll have a rethink.

kill yr icons

2008-02-20T20:47:00.007Z

Icons - we've all seen them. Elvis is one. James Dean is one. Che Guevara is one. However, the icon on my mind at the moment stands a mere 16 pixels tall.

- yo!

Pretty enigmatic huh? She exudes cool, non? If she had a cigarette in her mouth I'd be on the phone to Rick Moranis straight away.

Err, no, it's a tiny picture, I made it in about 20 seconds by taking an image and resizing it to 16x16 pixels. Genius. Then i left it under my pillow and the favicon fairy did the rest.

According to favicon.com, a website dedicated to these tiny marvels,

"The Favicon allows the webmaster to further promote their site, and to create a more customized appearance within a visitor's browser. Often, the Favicon reflects the look and feel of the web site or the organization's logo."

which i greet with the same skepticism that i showed towards frames between 2002 and 2005. The best bit is that favicon.com decided that the symbol to best sum up their website was an ugly red 'F' - pretty inspired especially considering how they charge $75 minimum to design one for you!

As always, my flippancy is a thin veil to hide the fact I'll soon be spending whole nights, zoomed in at 2000%, trying to decide between two shades of marl.

indie 4 life!

2008-02-19T16:23:00.003Z

Okay, this is the first piece of nonsense plucked from the REAMS of nonsense contained in bedroom A.

A list of potential replacement band names for my 6th form band, Camp David. It needs to be seen to be believed.

Although I'm not completely sure who the culprit is, I have a very strong hunch.

x x

budgie monitoring

2008-02-18T13:23:00.010Z

1. Bands

a) News

i) 2 finished songs and ideas are coming thick and fast
ii) 1 upcoming gig, and lots of good intentions, but no songs as yet
iii) might be jeapordised by lack of a practice space
iv) have a video up on youtube
v) have a one-off gig and a slew of preporatory practices

These numerals may or may not correspond to the numbered bands from previous posts.

2. Weekend Activities

a) Friday

i) Chavved it up big style with Mrs Tom; that is to say we went to 'TK Maxx' to buy running shoes.
ii) Donned our jeans and new trainers and went to Wetherspoon's for 300 pints
iii) Not really
iv) Went to a swanky restaurant run by a MANIAC; they promised so so much but in the end only delivered chicken

b) Lincoln

i) Saturday
ii) That's wrong isn't it?
iii) Has a castle
iv) ...and a cathedral
v) ...and a steep hill called Steep Hill
vi) Had my second ever Ostrichburger; it was tastier than my first

c) Saturday eve

i) We tried unsuccessfully to get my housemate to come and see Juno with us
ii) Simon agreed to come and see Juno with us
iii) The three of us saw Juno

d) I recommend it if you liked Napolean Dynamite, Garden State, or any other film with an indie or antifolk soundtrack

4. I'm going to stop now

z) before this gets any more

mcmlxxxiii) out of hand

3. xx

rubbish blog idea #5

2008-02-13T11:31:00.003Z

One of my compulsive habits is to listen to an album/watch a film/read a book and then immediately visit wikipedia to read about it (this is especially hard with books because there is always the temptation to read the wiki page, whilst midway through the book, and ruin the ending).

Anyway, I am often faced with a paragraph detailing 'discrepancies between book and film' - sometimes with BULLET POINTS - and this was my basis for an idea so rubbish that it was not even limited to a blog basis.

Basically I was going to focus on the discrepancies and then use these as a basis for hilarious vignettes, song lyrics and maybe even a story. Still with me? It's like going to an art exhibition and staring at the spaces between the paintings.*

I psyched myself up and headed over to wikipedia to find some material; I have to say, it was pretty disappointing. If I were to follow through with this idea, it would be full of really dull plot devices like "he was called Smith, not Smithe" and "rather than living in New York, and merely visiting Ireland, they in fact lived in Ireland".

There is precisely one synopsis for a book or film based on these inaccuracies:

"A compulsive liar volunteers a wealth of information, which is later found to be false"

It's got SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER written all over it.

x x

*note to self: idea for a photo blog...

a beginner's guide to 'Till-Building'

2008-02-05T08:47:00.002Z

I used to wonder how many customers I served on an average Saturday, so one morning I kept a tally over an hour in the morning, which I planned to rack up and multiply by 9 or whatever. When I returned after lunch, my manager called me into her office; she was holding the tally in her hand and said "what does this look like to you Tom?"

Sensing that she wouldn't appreciate the lolz, I kept quiet, and she went on to ask if I was till-building.

Now, a quick google search shows that the modern world is largely ignorant of the existence of till-building; as was I, and as, most likely, are you. I would go as far as to say that the practice existed solely within the mind of my boss.

The basic premise of till-building, she explained, is that you take money for certain items without scanning them; instead, you keep track of your takings with a tally (much like mine, I suppose) and then transfer the relevant amount to your back pocket.

I protested my innocence by pointing out that if this were the case I wouldn't have been so careless as to leave evidence sellotaped to my till while i went for lunch. I wasn't actually annoyed about the accusation, more that I try to steal such a small amount of money in such a stupid way - I subsequently devoted many hours daydreaming about the best ways to steal substantial sums of money without being caught.

My boss had a go at me for keeping a tally of customers and sent me back to my till.

you're both Ivan?

2008-02-03T22:36:00.001Z

To my right, my housemate is taking his nightly shower; to my left, Vin Diesel is saving the world; directly in front of me is a growing number of really boring words.

I spent the weekend going through the bedroom in my parent's house - I'll post the funniest things here when they're scanned in.

I then came back to find the Breslau EP had arrived:

This is the work of no-fi nomad Heartbeeps and is a heartfelt ode to provinces, gulags, post-Communist Europe and the uncertainty of mid-20's life.

THEN, i discovered, quite by accident, that Foxface have released an album. Foxface is the current project of Michael and John from Peeps into Fairyland and if you enjoy(ed) Idlewild then you should definitely check out both bands.

Just to finish off, this (xXx) is one of the worst films I've ever seen; I think they'd have been better off going the whole hog and just making a real-life McBain movie.

rubbish blog idea #4

2008-01-31T11:33:00.000Z

This one is a few weeks old but basically I planned to take photos of the backs of people's heads on the bus, using my phone. Seeking only to capture "heads of interest", each post would attempt to analyse the head and decide what kind of person it belongs to.

I quickly ditched the idea after I realised

a) the only information you can gather from someone's head is whether they cut their own hair and when they last washed it (as well as the obvious stuff, A/S/L)

b) it's impossible to do this discreetly; sure, your subjects aren't aware (unless you leave the fake 'camera click' noise on like a massive noob) but to everyone sitting behind you it's pretty damn obvious

Just to clarify, rubbish blog idea #1 was the "blog ideas" blog, rubbish blog idea #2 was the "failures" blog, rubbish blog idea #3 was the "you must be logged in to do that!" blog.

nadge biscuits

2008-01-30T15:30:00.001Z

Okay, so since the last post I've gone through numerous ideas for this blog. I had ideas for one where I write about ideas for blogs, then one where I write mainly about failure - then I considered how hilarious it would be to do NEITHER and got stuck in an infinite loop of smug post-modernism.

I then thought of one where i take this warning:

and apply it, out-of-context to other pictures. My test was the famous Eric Cantona kung-fu photo, but then once i'd done it i realised it's exactly the kind of thing i HATE. You know you should steer clear of an idea when you can picture it on a t-shirt being worn by a student with a mullet.

Anyway, this post is just to say "hang in there" while i think of a great idea; in a way this post doesn't really exist. But, in another way, it does, so let's press on...

Bands. I currently have two bands, neither of them have names so let's call them band 1 and band 2. Band 1 has practised a few times and is stretching me on all musical fronts, which is definitely good. Band 2 is an unashamed attempt to be liked by as many people as possible, whilst pretending we don't care. Simon is in both these bands, and also band 3. Band 3 have a name but i'm not into AdSense. Oh man, and then there's band 4 - which is just so crazy it just might work - and band 0 - who may reform for a one-off gig.

Don't be surprised if the next post is me moaning about how EVERYTHING fell through and muttering something about home recording and exotic tunings (again).

Right, that'll do for now. By the way, the reason I'm doing this post is because i gritted my teeth and gave the blog its first link; now i'm worried that there will be an influx of people (1 or 2) and nothing interesting to read. But then, i haven't really addressed that problem.

Also, I'm ditching the song lyrics for titles idea, but here is what i used up to this point:

Morris Chapman - Be Bold! Be Strong!
Bjork - Sonnets/Unrealities XI
Tears for Fears - Everybody wants to rule the World
Peeps into Fairyland - Suilven from Elphin
Kate Rusby - Who Will Sing Me Lullabies?
Smashing Pumpkins - Zero
Deftones - Korea
Bardo Pond - Walking Clouds
Laura Veirs - The Cloud Room
Manic Street Preachers - Revol
Lisa Loeb - Listen, Lisa
Logh - The Passage
Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Teenage Fanclub - Take the long way round
Sonic Youth - Wish Fulfilment
Kate Bush - Dream of Sheep
Joanna Newsom - Sadie

x x

all day long we talk about mercy

2008-01-11T12:25:00.000Z

Hmm, not really sure what to do now. We've had some developments as we now have a drummer, and subsequently a new band. This blog was primarily to document mine and Simon's advances towards starting our project; piecing together recording equipment, recruiting musicians to help out, write, record and then maybe try to pull it all off live.

Currently, as it was merely meant to capture this band from the start and nothing more, only I read this blog. This makes it weird to write; I've never kept a diary for the same reason - i can't write unless I can at least imagine someone else reading it at some point. And maybe, if we actually got somewhere, this would be interesting to read 3 or 4 years down the line, but maybe mundane stuff like this is just not meant to be recorded.

So, now, things are instantly way more conventional. We have the band, we even have access to all the recording gear we will need, courtesy of our new drummer, so if i was to continue on the same way, every post would either be about practising, gigging or recording. And surely this can be saved for a dedicated band website/myspace?

This could be a mixture of band news, cool photos/bands/websites and personal musings, but that's what EVERYONE is doing and what would make mine so special?

i tune in to some friendly voices

2008-01-03T16:07:00.000Z

Sorry about that, apart from tinkering with a couple of pretty tunings over the Christmas break, i haven't really had much band stuff to talk about lately. And now... I'm coming down with a fabulous cold, which will either mean much more music (if i need time off work) or much less (if, as usual, i keep going to work and simply collapse on arriving home).

Meanwhile, Simon has been furiously coding drum patterns, although we both have the looming sense that these electronic percussion/choir endeavours are nothing more than experiments and something to get out of the system. But perhaps that's just short-sightedness?

Kinda beginning to miss the band environment and the input of several people; i could never be a solo artist.

A little gear news: as I'm itching to record, first and foremost, I'm putting the recording devices on the backburner, after all, I already have a decent 4 track which is sufficient for drums. So my attention has turned to recording mixers...

This is the Fostex 450, 8 channels, XLRs, phantom power, direct outs for each channel... and more importantly, mid-80's, looks cool, would look beautiful with a matching reel to reel recorder :D

So, this would do very nicely for the time being, and is a (financially) attainable target, but if i ever do reach the 16 track dream, I'll need to upgrade accordingly!

your life and my life they don't touch at all

2007-12-10T12:27:00.001Z

Tenacious bugger that he is, Simon has persevered with the plethora of plug-ins bestowed upon his unwitting PC and apparently concocted some tasty beats. The electronic element is back on! x-kettlecore-x I'll report back after I've heard them.

As for me, I'm trying a new tuning, missing my amp, and using Liebezeit for chord sequences rather than clickyness. Also, getting a bit disheartened by the lack of paths away from obvious chord sequences.

Went to see a Senegalese band at the weekend; i'm usually pretty unreceptive to "World Music" but for one thing the main guy was captivating, and secondly he was packing one of these:

A Senegalese lute/harp called a Kora. The strings are stupidly close together and you play with your thumbs and forefingers - it winds up sounding a little like a Sitar but without the overtones and less cliched.

But back to the band though - it was refreshing to see a band like that just doing a proper gig, where people were really into it, rather than as a distant spectacle or something to fill a gap on Jools Holland. It was earthy and loud and rhythmic and carried the kind of charisma that the generic dreary indie dad-pleasers can only dream of.

Heaven knows where this leaves me.

sometimes you underline destinations

2007-12-05T12:04:00.000Z

If getting these various devices into Cubase proved tricky, getting them into Simon's copy of Sonar was a nightmare. He soon came to understand the pain that Dr Liebezeit causes and the Glitch plug-in was a non-starter.

Rather sadly, the guitar lay motionless on the bed for the majority of my visit; perhaps it's time to put this electronic nonsense on the shelf for the time being.

Reading up on wikipedia, we stumbled across a hilarious genre called lowercase described as (and this is no joke), "an extreme form of ambient minimalism in which very quiet sounds bookend long stretches of silence".

I don't think even *we* are pretentious enough to explore projects such as 'dropping a pine cone onto a piece of paper 100 times'.

quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth

2007-12-04T13:50:00.000Z

Wowser, I still don't know if electronica is a wise route to take, musically or financially, but my eyes are certainly opening up to what's out there. In my ignorance I always figured there was a "right" way to go about making glitchy music - as a big fan of going about things the "wrong" way i was quite relieved to find that everyone has a different approach.

Found another useful device:

(i implore you to click and gaze upon its colourful apparel)

Won't go too deep into what it does except to say it's every quirky noise you've ever heard on a glitchy record, neatly packaged so that even a Kooks-loving monkey could pass themselves off as the new Squarepusher, simply by hitting the 'Random' buttons.

I very quickly got the result i was after but therein lies my conflict - it was all too easy. What next? A modelling amp? Autotune?

So, making things hard on myself - I think I need to investigate circuit bending. I'm pretty inspired by this crazy mutha - 6955 - a Tokyo-based Canadian with a penchant for modding audio equipment and vintage computer consoles (go to the site and check out the Famicon/Nintendo control pad pedalboard!!).

However, I don't want to make 8-bit soundscapes - it's just nice to think outside of 2 guitars, 1 bass and some drums for a change. And it's good to suddenly have avenues outside of "embellishing everything with chiming guitars".

In a neat, internet coincidence-a-thon, I ended up on the 'i am robot and proud' last.fm page through one of my online neighbours, he is a Toronto-based indie-electronic artist, and hosts the 6955 site on his website - they probably msn each other about schematics.

Could just be yet another case of perceptual set for me though.

can't come with you when you go south

2007-12-03T13:20:00.000Z

So, this is my new toy:

(click to engorge and add vibrancy)

Apparently, it's designed for applications "sadly lacking in granular facilities" and it has the power to "turn skip textures into smooth things; rearrange rhythms; turn sustained textures into stuttering snippets..."

Really? Really? Cause when I use it I only hear this bit of the blurb: "to render your original audio quite unrecognisable". Ah, now that's more like it. Even the default "everything on zero" patch turns everything into a buzzing, static-y mess - not that that's a bad thing, but whether this device has a place outside of "hey guys, come and listen to THIS!" remains to be seen.

Been flitting back and forth between Liebezeit and guitar during the last week, stuck in an infinite loop of 'what comes first, the beats or the song?'. And do i even need beats? Or guitar? Anyway, net result is another Logh-esque guitar part and a petulant loop made of sampled guitar chords from an ancient home recording, impossible to sing over or develop further!

Simon, meanwhile has been quietly perfecting his 40-strong choir of Simons. I pray that things are going to snap together soon - it's all a far cry from the indie days, writing acoustic ditties, where our only concern was whether the guitars were sufficiently in tune.

a dear, strong woman coos gently along

2007-11-26T20:23:00.001Z

As if i wasn't already doubting the direction i should go in, i realised that Efterklang are already doing everything i wanted to do, and better :D

Here is them in action anyway...

It's a glockenspiel darling ;)

i am an architect

2007-11-21T10:05:00.000Z

Spent some time Sunday afternoon trying to improve my writing of drum parts in Cubase; it actually requires intense concentration otherwise you get lost in a sea of little red diamonds. Above the drum score just reads 4/4 6/4 4/4 6/4 ad infinitum and is no help whatsoever.

On top of that I found an infuriating little device called The Dr Liebezeit drum machine and through trial and error i managed to integrate it into Cubase with relatively few problems. It can only run two sounds at a time (i left it on the default of two clicking sounds) and you program a sequence of up to 32 beats by simply turning each beat on or off.

(click to enlarge and add colour)

This, however, is where the sanity ends. First i noticed that there is no way of setting a tempo on the drum machine, instead, it takes its cue from the tempo of the cubase click track. This is not such a big deal but there seems to be no way of lining it up with the cubase beat. In short, it plays at the correct speed, but starts at random and 9 out of 10 times is out of sync.

So, you have two choices; either keep restarting it until it lines up by chance, or make a lengthy recording of the Dr Liebezeit sound, which can then be inserted as audio and lined up relatively easily. Despite the romance of the former, I settled on the latter.

Then I listened to Efterklang and realised it was all futile.

twelve floors up in the Camlin Hotel

2007-11-16T12:33:00.000Z

Band name discussions abound! It says 'Pointland' up there, but we're approaching it with caution and the following tests:

Asking each other, "what's your band called" and seeing how it feels to say "Pointland"

Tackling the follow-on question, "so what does Pointland mean?"

Predicting the various ways it can be misspelt

Making sure it has no negative connotations

Imagining how it would sound if Jools Holland, Steve Lamacq etc, were to announce the name

Maybe we need an exclamation mark? Or some punctuation that hasn't been done yet... Pointl&

Pointlampersand. Perhaps not. In other more relevant advances, we have started listening to Why? The song posted on here is ace. Dark.

Discovered i can program drums on Cubase and knocked up a little faux-Electronica in 15 minutes just to test it, don't know whether it is a direction to go in but it's certainly fun.

walking clouds in the land

2007-11-14T13:38:00.000Z

So there i am, waiting for my cake to cool, when my buzzer goes... it was Simon, open mic was cancelled and he'd come round to show me some new songs and share some posh coffee.

Having misplaced my capo, i quickly decided that trying to play guitar would be utterly futile and turned to the often-misused Casio MT-65 keyboard.

(a free-range MT-65)

In the past this piece of synth history has served two purposes; demo-ing unrealistic-sounding cello and trumpet parts, and producing "hilarious" chintzy covers of my own songs. Now that we're going all moody, Casiotone certainly has a place and the combination of fingerpicked acoustic guitar and 'Electric Piano' was certainly a winner.

After Simon left i iced my cake and converted my upbeat, guitar-led pop song into a slow, atmospheric dirge. Bardo Pond would be so proud of me.

Downtown! Pony! Work your pitch!

2007-11-13T12:48:00.000Z

I think the building of a studio is a manifestation of my quarter-life crisis. Focus has shifted slightly to the Tascam DA-88 (or DA-38, or DA-78, same diff) - an 8 track digital tape recorder.

We used them at uni a lot and they have an elegant simplicity to them. They're even slightly cheaper than their tape-based equivalents and I am staunchly against any FX-laden multitracker, so this may be the best option.

Provided I can finish baking a cake in time, I should be off to watch Simon at open mic later, and then we're going to play through some new, darker songs tomorrow evening. May have a drummer at our disposal too; a face from our distant murky past, no less. Early days yet though.

so save your prayers

2007-11-07T14:11:00.000Z

Almost forgot, an integral part of the recording process will be bottle after bottle of chilled ginger beer.

In other news, Simon got a lush new acoustic guitar this week and I am having trouble translating the Adore sound I have in my head into actual songs.

Still flushing the spazzy-ness out of my system.

in this big world I'm lonely

2007-11-04T17:47:00.000Z

Fallen head over heels with this...

At £500 it's a little out of the price range I have of ZERO POUNDS, but still, you've got to have dreams - imagine that thing whirring away while I bash out some licks on my 1978 guitar and 1979 amp. Luddite? Moi?

My housemate pointed out the paradox in my argument that going back to older equipment can be considered 'breaking the mould'. Basically, I think anything that adds character to a band or a sound or a recording can only be a good thing - although I admit you're sometimes flirting with pretentiousness.

Listening to Kate Rusby again; I went off her a lot when she released 'The Girl who couldn't fly', partly because I didn't think the songs were up to scratch and partly because it included Roddy Woomble on backing vocals and artwork by Graham Coxon. My musical worlds were colliding and my diversity was at stake. And don't even get me started on the duet with Ronan Keating!

All this aside, her early work is brilliant and 2001's 'Little Lights' is a masterpiece.

every hill looks the same

2007-11-02T08:54:00.000Z

Spent a very enjoyable evening going through a printed copy of the html code for this page, with a biro, in order to better understand it and to try and look impressive in front of my housemate. I then battled against our increasingly ropey internet connection to tidy up a few things.

Itching to get recording underway; i think we'll be able to tell quite quickly whether it's working or not. I've always been in love with bands who capture a feeling, Peeps into Fairyland for example - their second album would probably attract scorn from most producers but you can really hear that it was inspired by highland walks and mountains and cottages.

It's as if the surroundings and even the recording environment seep into the music; I want to record in as many different places as possible and hopefully capture something.

welcome to your life

2007-11-01T09:48:00.000Z

A bloody frustrating night by all accounts. First off the broadband in my flat is reminiscent of 56k dial-up, both in terms of speed and reliability, and it was off for most of the night - subsequently I'm still yet to integrate Simon into the blogging process, although he is enthusiastic.

My housemate was out so I took full advantage of the noise-making potential; I'm about a hair's breadth from finishing my first song in months but the bridge is bamboozling me. What normally happens in the "process" is I'll toy with a difficult section for a week or two before dropping it altogether, which explains the haphazard structures of my songs.

Putting that to one side I set about consoling myself by layering kooky harmonies over the top - any kind of layering at this stage is largely futile but it's good practice nonetheless. I was hoping to put some mandolin over it but attempting to tune the E string to an F put a swift end to that.

This whole song started from an 80's-sounding riff and, as is often the case, this has now been removed - a little like stone soup - but I'm determined to use it. The riff itself was a result of repeated listenings of Tears for Fears' 'Everybody wants to Rule the World' - proof that inspiration can come from ANYWHERE.

accept all happiness from me

2007-10-31T08:56:00.000Z

I've been continuously tweaking this since I signed up and, worse still, i expect a full overhaul when Simon sees it. I've become slightly obsessive over fonts.

I'm back on the old Cubase at home and starting to rattle off rough demos - even though this whole band idea is still vague in some senses, we do have lots of cohesive ideas.

Simon performed in his solo acoustic guise last night; clever turns of phrase, emotive lyrics and well-crafted melodies are wasted on an open-mic audience. Later on, watching a bedwetting singer-songwriter type who seemed incapable of forming consonents, i felt very sad.

Be Bold! Be Strong!

2007-10-30T08:13:00.000Z

Welcome to the 'band 4' blog.

This is a new project that me and Simon are working on, so called because I wanted a working title so bad that there is absolutely no chance of it sticking. This will be the fourth band we have been involved with - the name, and subsequently the name of this blog, will be changed when a suitable idea springs to mind.

I aim to document our progress *here* for the time being and I may make the updates more edgy as time goes on. I really need a ribbon for my typewriter.

So, the aim for this band is a return to the poppy sensibilities of some of our past work, but darker, subtler and... more Scandinavian-sounding. I think it's the way forward :D

We've had a couple of promising sessions (i don't really know what to call them, it's not really a practice and i can't stand the phrase 'jam session') and Simon has a bagful of ideas; although after last night we may scrap all the half-finished songs we were developing, for a more brooding collection.

Meanwhile I will try and determine the best course of action for home recording - when, where and using what equipment?